Movie Review: DeathBed

Hey readers…

I thought today, since it is 6-6-6, the most evil day on the calendar, I’d give you a review of a scary movie. Well, I’ve seen just about every scary movie, and didn’t feel like reviewing something I’ve already seen. So, after hearing Patton Oswalt’s latest standup material, he talked about a crazy scary movie called, “DeathBed”. So, I thought I’d check it out, to see what it was all about.

deathbed?!  yes... a bed that causes death

Yes, that actually is the title. Click above to see the trailer for this well thought out piece of crap. There were probably actually executives in suits at a table coming up with ideas for their next big slasher movie. “This is going to be the best movie ever” they would say. Instead they decided to put out this abortion of a movie.

We start out with scratchy music coming out of an old victrola, while this weird looking freaky dude has tied a black haired chick to the bed. You think he’s going to rape her or something, or maybe stab her and have her guts fly everywhere. But, he takes his necktie and strangles her. And after he strangles her, for some weird reason, blood gushes from her wrists. I didn’t understand that at all. I’ve fallen and cut my knee, but blood didn’t start to pour out of my ear. Just a little weird. Like the rest of this movie.

Karen & Jerry

Meet Karen & Jerry. They are looking for a place to live. They find this huge studio apartment/loft, which overlooks the Hollywood sign. Karen falls in love immediately with the place. She doesn’t even look in the bathroom to make sure there’s not a dead body in the shower or something. They just look out the window, and they take the place.

Art

Art, their landlord shows them the place, and tells them the upstairs leads to a door that they don’t have a key for. It’s just probably an old storage room, he says. Why wouldn’t he pry the door open somehow before he sells it? Instead he just acts like an idiot, and well, Karen & Jerry don’t seem to mind the unusual room at the top of the stairs that they will never be able to access because there is ‘no key’.

Sign the lease

So, they sign the lease to the place, and this is where we find out that Karen is an illustrator for Children’s books, and Jerry takes photos of naked women. They talk about it, but we only see one set of boobs towards the end of the movie, I’m sure it’s documented on mrskin.com .

bang bang

So, that night, the first night in their new home, Karen & Jerry decide to break the cherry on the place. So, they start bangin on their air matress on the floor.
**side note: WTF!?!?? They have tons of furniture, a desk, lamps, couches, etc. .. you mean to tell me they don’t have a bed, they just sleep on an air matress on the floor **
Anyway, Jerry keeps trying to get her on top, she won’t get on top, apparently, it ‘hurts’ or something for her, and it really pisses Jerry off, but he says he understands, he just wishes she would get on top, for at least one time in their relationship. (trouble in paradise?)

bad model

Jerry is having trouble with the model he has at work. He’s trying to get her to model on a bed for some magazine ad for a bed. She does a really shitty job, she never poses correctly. So, Jerry gets pissed and says, he’s going to go for a more maturnal look instead of a sexy look. So, they decide to try again another day with a more homely model.

the stairs

Meanwhile, we find out Karen does most of her work at home. While at home she hears a strange noise coming from the room upstairs. It sounds like a squeaking bed. She goes up the stairs to investigate.

ArrrrGH!

When she gets to the top of the stairs, she turns the knob on the door, then she hears a scream from the other side of the door. It scares her shitless. She runs for the phone to call 911, right?! No, she calls the fucking landlord!!! What the hell is he going to do?

prying

So, Art comes over to see whats upstairs. He prys the door open and falls flat on his face. He’s okay, but they look around, he keeps saying: “SHIT!… SHIT!!!… SHIT!!!” Which is a very strange reaction for someone to say when they see a bed.

The Deathbed

I would have probably said something like, “A bed?, that’s all thats up here?, huh.. that’s interesting” A bed, and the victrola, the same that we saw in the intro.

I see something

So, they take the bed down the steps (we never see this happen, because then we’d have to see how they fit it through a small door). Anyway, it’s now where they had their air matress. They’re both cleaning it up. Karen is putting on the matress wondering why the hell someone would pack away a really soft bed up in the room upstairs. Suddenly, Art starts starring at her, at first you think he’s staring at her titties like the rest of us. But, he’s having some flashbacks when he touches the bed of the black n’ white murder scene that we saw in the intro to this lame ass movie. So, he leaves suddenly, because he gets freaked out.

Sexy Karen

So, Karen gets kinky or something and meets Jerry at the door wearing sexy lingerie when he comes home from work. And, I must say, she looked pretty hot. She got on the bed and had him take pictures of her. She finally got on top of him too. I don’t know what got into her, but he was totally into it.

*** I just realized something. I’m going to ruin the whole movie for you. Well, that and this article is going to be 500000 pages long. Anyway, I’ll leave out some of the details and get the the meat & potatoes ***

Cough Cough

So, for some reason, Karen really gets into the banging session the next night. This time she takes a tie and almost chokes Jerry, before she realizes what she almost just did.

the chick

She keeps having these flashbacks of the black haired girl being strangled. Then Jerry starts seeing that chick too. It really screws up their sex life. Karen goes to Jerry’s shrink for advice.

The ultimate website

So, she emails a Crime.com website to get info on any unsolved mysteries in her house. They respond with 8 people getting strangled in that house. She goes to tell the landlord about it, but he’s been strangled.

ripped face

Her & Jerry get scared, and decide to pack up and leave. But, Jerry decides to go upstairs first before they leave. He gets sucked into a mirror, and then he comes back downstairs all weird. He drugs Karen, takes her upstairs to the bed, and tries to strangle her. But, the black haired chick comes out of the mirror & rips Jerry’s skin off his face to reveal the creepy guy from the begining of this god awful movie.

please hammer don't hurt em

Karen decides tries to run away, but the door is locked. She beats the creepy dude over the head with a hammer repeatedly. He finally dies.

your friendly hospital staff

She wakes up in a hospital bed. One of the hospital staff comes into her room, jumps on top of her & tries to screw her.

the end

She rips off her own skin to reveil that she’s the creepy dude. Roll Credits…

Yes, I skipped over a few parts at the end. But, I realized, I’m probably starting to bore the hell out of everyone. There shouldn’t even be this long of review on this shitty movie. If it wasn’t for Karen in the sexy lingerie, I would give this movie a zero. But, since she looked pretty good, I’ll give this movie a 1 out of 10. Which is being generous of course. If you see this movie, you should probably invite a bunch of friends over, drink tons of alcohol and make fun of this load of crap.

Sorry, I didn’t have a better experience with this movie. I hope everyone has a great ‘evil day’ today. And if you forgot that was the date today, it’s okay, you can always wait another 100 years when it comes around again.

– Greg
6/6/6

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